Never ask a combat vet "what's it like to kill someone"

Imagine you are at a party; you've got a drink in one hand, a finger food in the other and you are talking with an acquaintance. The conversation is typical, weather, sports, job, maybe even politics. However, as you are making your way through your beer, this acquaintance asks in a totally non-threatening, unassuming manner "so I heard you fucked your spouse last night, tell me, how was it? What was it like to fuck your spouse last night?" Before you react to this question you realize that this person and the people around you see it as a totally reasonable question and are expecting an answer with just enough detail that they can voyeuristically experience the fucking you did to your spouse the night before.

How would you respond? How would you feel in that moment? How would you view the person who asked the question and those around listening for your answer? How would your spouse feel if you shared, in detail, the specifics of the sex you had the night before... at a cocktail party... amongst acquaintances?

If you answered that you would feel violated, angry at the question and the questioner, misunderstood (since no one else saw it as an unreasonable question), and a desire to avoid these people in the future, you now have a glimmer of what it feels like when someone asks a combat vet "what's it like to kill someone."

In my role as a therapist who specializes in working with combat veterans I sit across from returning service members as they try to sort out the challenges inherent in the process of returning from war, and this topic, civilians asking “did you kill,” often arises in session. In the 5 years I have done this work veterans often talk about the anger, resentment and frustration they experience when people ask this question. One veteran said to me: "what I want to say is 'put a fucking uniform on, go over there and see for yourself.’" Unfortunately however, veterans will rarely show their anger in these situations and instead come up with a generic, monotone answer and quickly change the subject. Maybe this is because the person who asks this question really doesn't see it as a problem, which unfortunately perpetuates the belief that "civilians just don't understand."

This brings me back to the “fuck your spouse” question. "Fuck your spouse" is different than "making love to your spouse." I used that terminology to hopefully draw out the potential discomfort you would feel if someone realized you "fucked your spouse" as opposed to "made love with your spouse.” Yeah, sex is a good thing and it feels good, but "fucking your spouse" implies violence and could bring up a sense of shame if others saw into your bedroom and your heart and saw some ambivalence and discomfort about "fucking your spouse" as opposed to loving your spouse.

I think we (civilians) assume that combat vets feel a certain way about killing, and the fact that we ask the question our assumption must be that they feel something positive, as if the killing done on the battlefield mirrors the killing done in a video game. When we ask that question we are ignoring the potential that the person feels extraordinarily confused about having taken another's life. Yeah, they are trained to do so, but no amount of training can overcome our biological aversion to taking another human's life. What if the person you ask believes that the killing they did on the battlefield was justified and okay, but when they accidentally killed that innocent civilian their entire existence changed in an instant. How would they explain that over a beer and finger food? Or how about the young Marine who had accidentally killed a 12-year old girl, and felt immense guilt and shame who was welcomed home by his lifelong minister who said, “thanks for being over there, you are doing God’s work.” To which the young Marine thought, “Killing 12-year old girls is God’s work?” Imagine the confusion this young man must feel, and imagine how hard it would be to try to explain it to someone who’s never been there… at a cocktail party.

I often hear combat vets say “only people who’ve been there can be trusted.” I think the process of coming to this belief is very complex and personal. However, I think one of the main reasons why vets feel comfortable with other vets is they know what NOT to talk about. There is a complicit agreement to not talk about stuff that can trigger memories or intense emotions. They can be understood without having to talk about it, which is a very powerful way of maintaining relationships. When we ask “what’s it like to kill” we’re bringing up the stuff that’s “not supposed to be talked about,” and it’s the quickest way to shut that person down and create a wall between you and that person that may never come down.

Instead here’s what you can say… “Welcome home. Thanks for your service.” If you know the person well, and are curious, here’s what else you could say: “I can only imagine what it’s like over there, and from what I can tell, the media does a crappy job of portraying what it’s really like. Is it alright if I ask you some questions about your experience? If not, that’s totally okay, but if you ever do I’m all ears.” If the veteran is okay with questions ask about what they did that they feel good about, how did they effect change, who were there buddies, what was the food like?

If after “Welcome home, thanks for your service” you can’t think of anything else… try this: “damn these pigs in a blanket are awesome, can I get you another?”